HOLY SHIT THAT ONE GUY FROM ONE DIRECTION QUIT

Holy fuck! Holy Christ goddamn! That one guy from One Direction quit! The weed dealer looking one! That one that did that thing with the hair! YOU KNOW THE ONE. No, not Harry. You fucking asshole. The other one. THE HOT ONE. I know they're ALL hot ones, but Zach (Is that his name? Wait, his name is Zayn?)… » 3/25/15 1:30pm Wednesday 1:30pm

Adrian Peterson Is A Fucking Moron

You know, just once in this lifetime, I would like my favorite team to acquire a legendary skill position player who does NOT turn out to be a complete fucking shithead. The Vikings drafted Randy Moss, and I had to spend a decade justifying his existence to myself when he would sit down and make a salad on the weak… » 3/24/15 12:05pm Tuesday 12:05pm

Deadcast: Peter King Talks To Roger Goodell, Accomplishes Nothing

So Peter King landed an interview with Roger Goodell (I know… I'm as shocked by his journalistic coup as you are) and the commissioner took the opportunity to spew out a bunch of boilerplate Roger Goodell nonsense: blanket declarations of self-assurance, private police forces, bullshit concussion stats, and obscene… » 3/24/15 10:00am Tuesday 10:00am

The USMNT Should Boycott The 2022 World Cup

Today FIFA announced that they are formally moving ahead with plans to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar in November and December of that year, with the final being played a week before Christmas. As you may already know, Qatar's World Cup infrastructure is being built using Moses-era slavery practices. One of the… » 3/19/15 3:40pm 3/19/15 3:40pm

Deadcast: The Hater’s Guide To The Field Of 68

The tournament is here! Obscure schools! Slow play! Poor shooting! Adorable upsets that are violently corrected in the boring later rounds! It's all here! I'm gonna head to the bar at 1 p.m., eyebang the barstools until a free one opens up, and then get TERRIBLE barstool ass sores over the course of five hours. … » 3/19/15 10:40am 3/19/15 10:40am

What Happens When A 38-Year-Old Man Takes An AP History Test?

I never took an AP course in high school. I'm pretty sure it was because I never qualified for it (I went straight B-minuses throughout my high school career), but it was also because I went to school back when taking AP courses wasn't the dire necessity that it is for today's students. According to this article,… » 3/18/15 11:42am 3/18/15 11:42am

And Now, The World’s Most Terrifyingly Inappropriate Minecraft Videos

Last week, I took a moment to explain why Minecraft, the world's biggest video game, sucks hard balls. And in my "research" for that post (five minutes), I found a number of Minecraft recreations of 9/11 over on YouTube. All of these tributes are misguided at best and tasteless at worst … » 3/11/15 12:25pm 3/11/15 12:25pm

Daylight Savings Should Be Made Permanent

You know what was awesome? Yesterday. Yesterday was the first Daylight Savings day of the year, and the first Daylight Savings day of the year always feels like someone released you from a Siberian prison. The sun shone gold upon the melting snow. Children frolicked out on the street. Neighbors walked around the… » 3/09/15 12:56pm 3/09/15 12:56pm

Moron USA Today Columnist Thinks The Cardinals Poop Vanilla Sprinkles

You know, we usually wait until October here to dump on the Cardinals and have the entire city of St. Louis send us polite death threats. But Bob Nightengale … oh, Bob Nightengale … you forced my hand early, you abominable fucking hack. I guarantee, right now, that there won't be a worse piece of sportswriting this… » 3/05/15 11:25am 3/05/15 11:25am

Watch This Pastor Use The Force To Wipe Out His Congregation

I'm not a particularly devout fellow, but if being a pastor means you can acquire the power to knock out entire swaths of your congregation via telekinesis, I gotta get my ass to church more often. I had no idea the power of the Holy Ghost was a literal superpower. This is like Chronicle if it has been directed by… » 3/05/15 9:00am 3/05/15 9:00am

Deadcast: Is Ernie Banks’ Body Being Hidden In Washington, D.C.?

Since Chicago Cubs legend Ernie Banks died over a month ago, his surviving family members have been engaged in a blood feud with Banks's former mistress over both Banks's remaining assets (rumored to be valued at a mere $16,000) and his remains, the location of which are at present unknown. Even though some of… » 3/04/15 11:08am 3/04/15 11:08am

What Are We Being Ordered To Care About Instead Of That Goddamn Dress?

The Rule of the Internet is that when people argue about something silly, like the color of a goddamn dress, an army of remarkably irritating people will amass to counter that phenomenon and remind you that you are a shallow cock for worrying about the color of a dress. Let's meet these smarm merchants now, shall we? » 2/27/15 11:10am 2/27/15 11:10am