"stick a butterknife into an open jar of mayonnaise"

Okay guys, that's it for this week. Recap below in the comments. See you tonight, Chicago.

I say no. Surveillance is too good and the protection is too formidable for anyone to pull a John Wilkes Booth again. I keep wondering if it'll ever happen. I keep wondering if I'll be cooking an omelet and someone will text me saying HOLY SHIT THE PREZ HAS BEEN SHOT. But it's unlikely in this day and age. There…

There's no way Lindsey Czarniak hates anyone. She is a delicate little fawn whose only purpose in life is to spread warmth and pleasantness to men and women alike. Soon, she and Jennifer Lawrence will get gay married and all the wars will end.

She needs to have a screen to stare at. If you have to borrow a DVD player or iPad, do it. You can't occupy them for that long with books or snacks. Eventually they see past the ruse and realize that they're fucking trapped. You need movies.

Podcasts are good. If you have the means to play them, you get an hour of uninterrupted chitchat between Bill Simmons and HouseO! NO ONE DENIES THIS.

It's difficult because she's not there, in theory, to socialize. She's justthere to wear yoga pants and bend over while stretching while having no idea that you are BURNING for her. Your best hope is to spot her outside of the gym ("Hi, I'm Mitch. I think we go to the same gym, but I'm totally not the type to…

No because TP is biodegradable. Washing the nutrag means using extra water and toxic bleaches. Don't you go bringing BIG ORGANIC into my fapping habits.

"Leave a baby bib on the door to let us know if you're still banging!"

Because the current "bottom cap" technology for Heinz ketchup bottle works just fine now. All that matters is that the bottle can rest on its own cap. You don't need a second cap for that. That costs them half a penny in packaging costs, which means BILLIONS.